Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
