Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
