She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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