i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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