I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
