if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
