This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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