Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
