So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
