I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Did we literally take a cab across the street
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
