So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize