You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
