she woke up with a sticky ear
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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