What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
