I heard we made out
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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