I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize