I can tuck mytits in my pants
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize