I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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