she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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