First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
