my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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