so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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