She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
