dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
