he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
