since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
