i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
