I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
