meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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