omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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