I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I will pee on everything he values.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
