got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
