we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize