ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
