bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
