clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
