sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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