there's paper in my vomit.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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