My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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