honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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