Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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