I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
