The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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