I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize