I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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