I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
