I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
