so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
