He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
