If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
