I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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