just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My penis needs a shock collar
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize