I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
