Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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