i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize