if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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