he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
