If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
