Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think a kid would responsible me up
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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