this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
