I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
