It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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