Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
