I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize