I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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