Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They took my balls.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
